risks

“Think back to a situation in your life where you had to decide between taking a risk and playing it safe. Which choice did you make? What was the outcome of your choice? Would you have made the same decision looking back on the experience or would you have made a different decision?”

So I’m sitting here thinking about an answer to a question for my future and all I can think about is my past… And unfortunately the past involves you. I pushed you to the back of my mind along with all the other risky, tense situations in my life because I don’t want you to be out in the open. I wanted to stack you up in organized piles that appeared to be ok, but inside them is organized chaos. You are that exactly. Just chaos. You’re the risk that holds me back, you’re the lesson that I have to learn; and I tell myself over and over again that I’ll learn one day but it’s really hard to admit that I took the risk and things turned out the way that every person fears: They ended up in failure. I thought maybe we had a chance. Even if it was a slight chance, it’s a risk I was willing to take. I thought you maybe took the risk too; the risk, the chance of us. You seemed to care, but did you? Or was everything I thought in my head completely and utterly wrong?

When the texts stopped coming, I thought perhaps you were busy. When you posted that picture with that one girl, I thought maybe ya’ll were just friends. And that’s just it, my thoughts were eating me alive trying to justify everything in my favor and make things seem right for me and you… for us? But there was no us, there never was an ‘us’. What was the choice that I made? I consciously made the choice to let go of all my insecurities and try for once. What was the outcome? It was an unfinished, unfair, sorry excuse of a relationship that lasted less than a blink of an eye but marked me for far too long. Would I have made the same decision? Probably.

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